Tuesday, January 28, 2003
I guess the weekend is officially over now. I am back sitting at my desk and wondering how it is possible that the last 3 days have flown by as quickly as they did. Oh well. Back to my humdrum existence of answering phones and talking to students. God I hate my life.
The weekend was pretty great. Kelly and I ended up staying awake until about 6am on Saturday night. Just talking and smoking cigarettes and hanging out. It was nice.
Sunday night, Mariah, her roommate Rachel, Kelly, Paul and I all went over to the Boiler Room for drinks and talks. Despite Rachel's past attitude problems and the fact that she wanted to leave from the moment she got there, the time spent with her was pretty ok. She didn't bother anyone and I even laughed at some of the shit that came out of her mouth. Mariah was a gem all night and I definitely wished that Rachel had stayed home so that Mariah could have spent more time with us. Kelly, Paul, and I head over to Urge for one final drink before going home. Paul was able to sit and talk about his new job and I think that he is starting to feel a little bit better about being in NYC. Eventually Kelly took a cab home and Paul and I went back to his apartment. Passed out around 3:30am.
Yesterday I had the day off from work, which was NICE. I spent the majority of the day watching tv and preparing for the audition that Kelly's theatre company was holding. Around 7pm, I bundled up my nerves, threw them in my bookbag and took off for Mid-town. It was freezing last night and the commute was fucking awful. I arrived at the theatre at 7:45pm for the 8pm audition. We were paired up into groups and were told that we could run lines with eachother before we had to go in.
Side note: I hate running lines with people that I am supposedly competing with for a part.
I was asked to read with this guy Patrick. At first I was glad that he was the one I was to be reading with. He was a nice guy and I thought that he would be easy to read with.
I was completely wrong and knew it right from the start of the audition. Patrick is one of those guys that does distracting shit during a reading. In the middle of our audition, Patrick walks away from me, grabs a chair from against the wall and sits in it.
UM...WHAT?!
I mean, of COURSE he grabbed a chair and sat down in it. Why WOUDN'T he? He completely through me off and then my mind was racing with: "Now, as an actor, I KNOW I should figure out a way to get another chair and sit next to him, but he totally threw me off and now I don't even know where my line is and doh(!) I have just stepped all over his dialogue and ARGH I HATE THIS KID!". It was pretty frustrating. So then we switch roles and Patrick plays the part that I was playing and I play the part that Patrick was playing. This time though, I moved the chairs very far back so he couldn't grab one.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT!
In the middle of our scene, Patrick turns his back to me and takes at LEAST 4 or 5 steps towards the back of the room. Now, in order for me to continue reading with him, I have to figure out a way to walk backwards to stand by him. Or I can just turn around, talk directly to him, and stand with my back to the auditioners.
Sure, I mean, why not?
What an asshole he was. I mean, part of me is like: "He maximized his space and is trying to 'change up' the audition". But a bigger part of me is like: "You are a selfish prick/showoff/asshole that can't focus on your own audition. Instead you are distracting and do nothing but provide unnecessary challenges for the unlucky soul who has to read with you." Needless to say, this portion of the audition did not go well for me at all.
When our time was up, I retreated to a chair outside of the audition room and just thought about what happened. I realized that it's been two years and I am out of practice. If I had been at the top of my game and slightly less rusty, I would have been able to combat Patrick's game playing. But I didn't. I fumbled, I lost my spot on the page, and I began to feel whatever confidence I had slip away and down the tubes of acting hell.
While I was waiting for my second reading, I had a chance to watch and see the other guys preparing for their audition. As I watched each pair preparing for their turn in line, I was overwhelmed at how much more appropriate they would have been for the part instead of me. I usually think that I can play just about anything, but the old adage is true: "Not every actor is right for every role". These guys were better suited for this play and while I wanted to run out of the room in embarrassment, I know that a true actor sticks it out even when they know that they are no longer being considered for the part. So I did stay and I did the best I could at remaining focused.
I was paired up with a guy named Lee for the second reading. This reading went much better for me, but I am not sure if that was because he was not an actor or if I just felt more comfortable with him. Lee was a great guy and was very easy to work with. Unfortunately, Lee just doesn't have it as an actor. (in my opinion) We had a smooth run and then we were asked to wait around for a bit.
About 20 minutes later, Kelly and the rest of the crew came out and asked that 3 of the actors remain. The rest of us were told we could leave. I knew for sure, at that point, that there was no chance at me getting one of these two parts. I put on my jacket and left as quickly as I could. Upon arriving back at Paul's apartment, I was greeted with immediate "congratulations" and other words of excitement. Unfortuately, I had to sit down and explain to people, who aren't actors, that I just wasn't right for the role. Jen, Lisa, and Paul listened to what I had to say, but assured me that I would get cast based on the fact that Kelly is my housemate. That train of thought makes sense, but I didn't know how to explain to them that it just wasn't the case. Kelly wasn't the only person who would make the final cut and even if she was, she needs to do what she feels is right for her show.
I spent the rest of the night running the audition over and over through my head. What could I have done differently? What do I need to work on? Was there ever a chance at me getting one of these roles anyway?
I came in to work today to find an email from Kelly explaining that I was indeed NOT cast in the show. The disappointment I felt was pretty horrible, as it should be. Being told that you can't do something that you want to do, regardless of what it is, hurts a bit. Even though I convinced myself that I wasn't right for this part, I still felt kinda bad when I knew that my assumptions were right.
I do believe that I could have played either of the roles I auditioned for. I believe that just about any of the guys auditioning could have played them as well. I think that Kelly and her group made the right decision in not casting me. If I had auditioned for people I didn't know, I am sure that it would have turned out the same. There were gyus there that were better suited to play these parts.
I can accept that.
So now I have to find another audition. There are quite a few good things that came out of last night.
1) I auditioned. After two years of running away from my dream, last night I took a step back towards it.
2) I realized that my fear of "risk taking" in an audition is still haunting me. I have always had a hard time putting myself out there when I am unsure as to how the part needs to be played. I set up walls for myself that I must learn how to climb over.
3) I felt ALIVE before, during, and after the audition. I felt more like myself again. I have been so mean and bitter lately and having spent one hour in front of people, trying out for a show, made me feel more like myself than anything else I have done since I left college.
4) I learned how to accept defeat. In the entertainment business, there is much more heartache and disappointment than any other field. You must learn how to be told that you are "not right for the part". I began learning this lesson last night. It will only make me stronger in the long run.
All in all, last night was a great experience. So it's one show and I didn't get in. It happens. I will spend today looking for another audition and I will try to find the positive in what I have right now. I am so grateful that I was invited to the audition to begin with. It was a wonderful stepping stone for me. I remember what it's like to be in a room with a bunch of guys all wanting the same thing. It's just that this time, I was one of those people who didn't get what they wanted. This is going to happen to me about a thousand more times before I actually relax into something big.
And that's it.
Time to put the dream back on hold and go back to my life as an administrative assistant. :(
For some reason, I hate this job more today than I ever have before.
The weekend was pretty great. Kelly and I ended up staying awake until about 6am on Saturday night. Just talking and smoking cigarettes and hanging out. It was nice.
Sunday night, Mariah, her roommate Rachel, Kelly, Paul and I all went over to the Boiler Room for drinks and talks. Despite Rachel's past attitude problems and the fact that she wanted to leave from the moment she got there, the time spent with her was pretty ok. She didn't bother anyone and I even laughed at some of the shit that came out of her mouth. Mariah was a gem all night and I definitely wished that Rachel had stayed home so that Mariah could have spent more time with us. Kelly, Paul, and I head over to Urge for one final drink before going home. Paul was able to sit and talk about his new job and I think that he is starting to feel a little bit better about being in NYC. Eventually Kelly took a cab home and Paul and I went back to his apartment. Passed out around 3:30am.
Yesterday I had the day off from work, which was NICE. I spent the majority of the day watching tv and preparing for the audition that Kelly's theatre company was holding. Around 7pm, I bundled up my nerves, threw them in my bookbag and took off for Mid-town. It was freezing last night and the commute was fucking awful. I arrived at the theatre at 7:45pm for the 8pm audition. We were paired up into groups and were told that we could run lines with eachother before we had to go in.
Side note: I hate running lines with people that I am supposedly competing with for a part.
I was asked to read with this guy Patrick. At first I was glad that he was the one I was to be reading with. He was a nice guy and I thought that he would be easy to read with.
I was completely wrong and knew it right from the start of the audition. Patrick is one of those guys that does distracting shit during a reading. In the middle of our audition, Patrick walks away from me, grabs a chair from against the wall and sits in it.
UM...WHAT?!
I mean, of COURSE he grabbed a chair and sat down in it. Why WOUDN'T he? He completely through me off and then my mind was racing with: "Now, as an actor, I KNOW I should figure out a way to get another chair and sit next to him, but he totally threw me off and now I don't even know where my line is and doh(!) I have just stepped all over his dialogue and ARGH I HATE THIS KID!". It was pretty frustrating. So then we switch roles and Patrick plays the part that I was playing and I play the part that Patrick was playing. This time though, I moved the chairs very far back so he couldn't grab one.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT!
In the middle of our scene, Patrick turns his back to me and takes at LEAST 4 or 5 steps towards the back of the room. Now, in order for me to continue reading with him, I have to figure out a way to walk backwards to stand by him. Or I can just turn around, talk directly to him, and stand with my back to the auditioners.
Sure, I mean, why not?
What an asshole he was. I mean, part of me is like: "He maximized his space and is trying to 'change up' the audition". But a bigger part of me is like: "You are a selfish prick/showoff/asshole that can't focus on your own audition. Instead you are distracting and do nothing but provide unnecessary challenges for the unlucky soul who has to read with you." Needless to say, this portion of the audition did not go well for me at all.
When our time was up, I retreated to a chair outside of the audition room and just thought about what happened. I realized that it's been two years and I am out of practice. If I had been at the top of my game and slightly less rusty, I would have been able to combat Patrick's game playing. But I didn't. I fumbled, I lost my spot on the page, and I began to feel whatever confidence I had slip away and down the tubes of acting hell.
While I was waiting for my second reading, I had a chance to watch and see the other guys preparing for their audition. As I watched each pair preparing for their turn in line, I was overwhelmed at how much more appropriate they would have been for the part instead of me. I usually think that I can play just about anything, but the old adage is true: "Not every actor is right for every role". These guys were better suited for this play and while I wanted to run out of the room in embarrassment, I know that a true actor sticks it out even when they know that they are no longer being considered for the part. So I did stay and I did the best I could at remaining focused.
I was paired up with a guy named Lee for the second reading. This reading went much better for me, but I am not sure if that was because he was not an actor or if I just felt more comfortable with him. Lee was a great guy and was very easy to work with. Unfortunately, Lee just doesn't have it as an actor. (in my opinion) We had a smooth run and then we were asked to wait around for a bit.
About 20 minutes later, Kelly and the rest of the crew came out and asked that 3 of the actors remain. The rest of us were told we could leave. I knew for sure, at that point, that there was no chance at me getting one of these two parts. I put on my jacket and left as quickly as I could. Upon arriving back at Paul's apartment, I was greeted with immediate "congratulations" and other words of excitement. Unfortuately, I had to sit down and explain to people, who aren't actors, that I just wasn't right for the role. Jen, Lisa, and Paul listened to what I had to say, but assured me that I would get cast based on the fact that Kelly is my housemate. That train of thought makes sense, but I didn't know how to explain to them that it just wasn't the case. Kelly wasn't the only person who would make the final cut and even if she was, she needs to do what she feels is right for her show.
I spent the rest of the night running the audition over and over through my head. What could I have done differently? What do I need to work on? Was there ever a chance at me getting one of these roles anyway?
I came in to work today to find an email from Kelly explaining that I was indeed NOT cast in the show. The disappointment I felt was pretty horrible, as it should be. Being told that you can't do something that you want to do, regardless of what it is, hurts a bit. Even though I convinced myself that I wasn't right for this part, I still felt kinda bad when I knew that my assumptions were right.
I do believe that I could have played either of the roles I auditioned for. I believe that just about any of the guys auditioning could have played them as well. I think that Kelly and her group made the right decision in not casting me. If I had auditioned for people I didn't know, I am sure that it would have turned out the same. There were gyus there that were better suited to play these parts.
I can accept that.
So now I have to find another audition. There are quite a few good things that came out of last night.
1) I auditioned. After two years of running away from my dream, last night I took a step back towards it.
2) I realized that my fear of "risk taking" in an audition is still haunting me. I have always had a hard time putting myself out there when I am unsure as to how the part needs to be played. I set up walls for myself that I must learn how to climb over.
3) I felt ALIVE before, during, and after the audition. I felt more like myself again. I have been so mean and bitter lately and having spent one hour in front of people, trying out for a show, made me feel more like myself than anything else I have done since I left college.
4) I learned how to accept defeat. In the entertainment business, there is much more heartache and disappointment than any other field. You must learn how to be told that you are "not right for the part". I began learning this lesson last night. It will only make me stronger in the long run.
All in all, last night was a great experience. So it's one show and I didn't get in. It happens. I will spend today looking for another audition and I will try to find the positive in what I have right now. I am so grateful that I was invited to the audition to begin with. It was a wonderful stepping stone for me. I remember what it's like to be in a room with a bunch of guys all wanting the same thing. It's just that this time, I was one of those people who didn't get what they wanted. This is going to happen to me about a thousand more times before I actually relax into something big.
And that's it.
Time to put the dream back on hold and go back to my life as an administrative assistant. :(
For some reason, I hate this job more today than I ever have before.
